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The Parents’ Guide to Discussing ’13 Reasons Why’ With Your Child by Jennifer Taylor

Posted by Gary Yorke 
· August 24, 2017 
· 1 Comment

 Netflix launched a new show at the end of March 2017 called ’13 Reasons Why” that has drawn a lot of buzz in therapy circles and parenting groups.

Like most popular culture, it succeeds at keeping you in suspense enough to watch multiple episodes in a row. In fact, your teens are probably staying up late watching it now (if they haven’t already).

Premise of ’13 Reasons Why’

According to Netflix, the premise of the show is

“After a teenage girls perplexing suicide, a classmate receives a series of tapes that unravel the mystery of her tragic choice.”

So, basically a girl (Hannah) commits suicide but instead of leaving a note, she leaves a series of tape recordings explaining how the other kids at her school contributed to her decision to take her life.

Each of them gets a piece of the responsibility or blame. The show combines snippets of Hannah’s life prior to the suicide with interactions of the remaining students afterwards told from the point of view of her “friend” Clay.

**Possible Spoiler Alert

Criticism of ’13 Reasons Why’

As you might guess, this show has elements that make some parents uncomfortable.  Like most high schools around the country, this school has issues that parents don’t always like seen displayed so graphically.

Among the concerns are:

  • Underage alcohol use & binge drinking
  • Marijuana Use
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content and Language
  • Homosexuality
  • Sneaking/Lying
  • Violence
  • Bullying
  • Rape
  • AND the big one: the suicide scene

Examples:

The show opens with a typical house party with kids drinking alcohol (one of many alcohol scenes). Later in the show, a girl is raped while passed out from drinking too much. Those who know about it do nothing.

One main character is frequently smoking weed from a bong and is often high at school.

Another group of kids come to the school costume contest dressed in scuba gear and call themselves “muff divers.”

In one scene, characters refer to Hannah has being “DTF” – which for my friends who have not had the guilty pleasure of watching MTV’s Jersey Shore shenanigans means “Down to F@ck”

And don’t forget, there is the rape and then it specifically shows Hannah’s suicide.

Cautions Against “13 Reasons Why’ From Experts

Despite the array of Tweets and the press that says that this show brings positive attention to the topic of suicide, experts are not convinced.  In fact, many of the agencies or foundations that focus on depression, mental health and suicide are concerned that this show sends the wrong message about suicide.

Not The Right Way To Handle Suicide Coverage

This article explains how the show violates nearly all of the recommendations about media coverage for suicide from ReportingOnSuicide.org.  These recommendations include NOT sensationalizing the suicide, NOT talking about the suicide note, AND not describing (or showing in graphic detail) the suicide method.  ’13 Reasons Why’ gets it wrong on all counts.

Not An Accurate Depiction of Mental Health

Moreover, the show fails to address depression or mental health/illness in any significant way. Among the ’13 Reasons’ is not a history of mental health or depression (the most common risk factor in completed suicides). This is especially disappointing given that the executive producer, Selena Gomez, has been quite vocal about her own struggles with anxiety and depression.

Not Helpful For Perpetuating Survivor’s Guilt

Another big complaint is that it perpetuates the belief that the other students are to BLAME for Hannah’s suicide.  While, it does an “okay” job of discussing the concept of survivors guilt, the students involved are mostly more concerned about keeping the story a secret and avoiding any consequences or repercussions.

Can Be A Trigger For People With Mental Health or Trauma

Due to the content, the discussions and images have reportedly been a negative trigger for some people who watch the show.  This is not to say that people who watch ’13 Reasons Why’ will take their life; but more that it can trigger additional feelings of depression, loneliness and hopelessness.

Reasons Why You Might Want To Watch It

This show has prompted a lot of discussion among my therapist friends about the value of watching the show.  There’s really only two main reasons that are cited:

  1. It is helpful to be “in the know” about things that are popular with teens. (That’s the reason that I watched it)
  2. The show can be a prompt for deep and meaningful discussions between therapists and clients and between children and parents.  *Note: I said it CAN BE.  In the actual show, teens and parents failed to have any significant positive discussions about Hannah’s death or the aftermath.But in real life, there have been meaningful discussions about it.

’13 Reasons Why’ Discussion Questions

My recommendation is that if your child is remotely interested in this show, that you watch it with your child.

Really, together. On the same couch at the same time! Then spend some time talking about the key points in each episode.  Because this show is based on Jay Asher’s book of the same name, there are dozens of book club lists with discussion questions available if you look for them.

The Jed Foundation has also released this great list of talking points. 

What Therapists Discuss

If you want discussion questions specifically used by child counselors, you can borrow some of the ones that came up in our discussion board.  Included are:

  1. What impact does Hannah’s suicide have on her parents, the school and her classmates?
  2. Why do you think none of the students discussed the tapes with their parents?
  3. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Which characters feel guilty for their actions and which are ashamed?
  4. What might have happened if Hannah had responded differently to Tyler in the very beginning-could there have been a different butterfly effect?
  5. What could Courtney have done differently or how could she have handled the situation differently rather than throw Hannah under the bus?
  6. Does Hannah’s use of the tapes create risks for additional suicides? How do her actions affect the lives of the people on the tapes?
  7. How does keeping a secret affect people? How do the characters change when they start to talk about or reveal their secrets?
  8. How does the school counselor let the students down? What can you do if an adult doesn’t do their job well or isn’t helpful?
  9. Who can you go to for support when you are stressed? What it is about that person/people that is the most helpful?
  10. Have you ever thought about hurting yourself or taking your life?

AND BONUS – My Favorite Discussion Question of All Time

’13 Reasons Why’ is basically an updated version of one of my most memorable group activities from my Bachelor’s program at the University of West Florida.  I vividly remember being asked to complete “The Drawbridge Exercise” and subsequently being labeled as “oppositional” due to my response.

’13 Reasons Why’ & The Drawbridge Exercise

The Drawbridge exercise tells a story about a woman who is told by her jealous husband not to leave the gates of a castle or she will be “severely punished.’ Shockingly, she leaves.  And, of all places, goes to visit a lover.  On her way back, a gateman is waiting and says if she attempts to cross the bridge, she will be killed. She then returns to the lover for help and he refuses.  She asks several other characters for help and all refuse.  Receiving no help, she returns to the bridge and is killed by the gateman.

The Question is “Who Is To Blame?”

In class, our group was then instructed to assign levels of responsibility for her murder to all of the people in the story that refused to help her, the husband that ordered the murder and the gateman himself.  You are to rank them from 1-6 in order of “most responsible” to “least responsible.”

And that is  a great discussion question for the cast members of  ’13 Reasons Why.’

Who is the most responsible or least responsible for Hannah’s death? Can you rank the characters in order of blame? Are any of them at fault? 

Now, obviously, there is a HUGE difference between homicide and suicide.  I think we can all find it easier to assign blame in a murder.

Nevertheless, the concept that there is someone to BLAME is an ethical question brought up in the show.  In ’13 Reasons Why’ the characters struggle with feeling like  ‘we are all responsible for Hannah’s death” and that “Hannah made the decision to take her life and she is the one to blame.”

It is basically a new age version of “The Drawbridge Exercise.”  And it is an interesting discussion about assigning blame or responsibility for tragedy.

But, back to the drawbridge…

Wondering What I Said?

Remember…I was 19 years old and thought the world was simple.

I said, “The only person responsible for the woman’s death is the gateman.  He is number 1 through 6. Everyone else is zero.”  

My instructor did not like that.  He thought I wasn’t taking the discussion seriously. I was labeled oppositional.

Mental health experts will also disagree with a discussion question that assigns blame to survivors for a suicide.  But, I think it is a good way to bring about a discussion about regrets.   In this YOLO / NO REGRETS world that high schoolers are in, it might be nice to talk about how your actions have consequences, even if you didn’t have bad intentions.

Final Thoughts

Now that I am not 19 (thankfully), I see more gray areas than I did in my college Social Justice class. In therapy there are these things called “duty to warn” and “duty to protect” that hold me responsible for failure to act in cases of potential suicide or homicide or abuse/neglect.

But more than that, I see both sides.  Our actions do have consequences.  Too often we fail to see how we influence others (in both positive and negative ways).  We are ultimately responsible for our own choices, but know this….

HOPELESSNESS is the biggest predictor of suicide.  Without assigning blame, make an effort to do what you can to prevent hopelessness in those around you.

*Not sure when take a suicide threat seriously-read more here. 

See more from Jennifer Taylor here: Jennifer Taylor Play Therapy.

1 Comment
Categories : Anxiety, Behavior, Depression, Reader Submissions, Self-Esteem, Trauma and Grief
Tags : aggression, anger, child therapy, childhood stress, depression, feelings, mental health disorders, teens

Should Your Playroom Include Aggressive Toys Like Play Guns? by Jennifer Taylor, LCSW, RPT

Posted by Gary Yorke 
· June 6, 2017 
· No Comments

Play therapists widely regard the use of aggressive toys, including toys guns, as an essential element to the playroom. However, many parents are hesitant to allow their children to play with toy guns. Nearly all schools have banned the use of toys guns (or even pretend shooting) completely.

Over the years, I have had some toy guns (not realistic looking ones, though) and other times I have taken them out.  As a therapist, the use of toys guns is not essential, but the use of aggressive toys, is vital.

What is an Aggressive Toy?

Aggressive toys are anything that a child can use to get out pent up anger or hostility.  These toys can be used to role play fights or battles, good guy/bad guy situation, or other trauma re-enactments.

 

Examples of aggressive toys include:

  • Non-realistic toy guns

  • Rubber knives

  • Foam swords

  • “Mean” animals like sharks, dinosaurs, alligators, lions, etc.

  • Toy soldiers (two different colors)

  • Handcuffs

  • Rope (I use a jump rope with the handles removed)

  • Bop Bag

What is an Aggressive-Release Toy?

Aggressive-Release Toys are toys that are okay to destroy or break in some way. These toys help redirect actual aggression into a more acceptable alternative.

Examples of aggressive-release toys include:

  • Egg cartons (can be crushed)
  • Bubble wrap (can be popped)
  • Paper (can be ripped up)
  • Popsicle sticks (can be snapped or jabbed into clay)
  • Wet paper towels (can be thrown against wall outside or on easel)
  • Clay or Play-doh (can be pounded)

Why Are Aggressive Toys Useful In Therapy?

Expressing Anger

Children need a safe opportunity to express feelings of anger.  In the play therapy environment, children can use aggressive toys to play out things that are happening with people in their lives. BUT…when it is done with an animal instead of a doll person, it feels safer to the child.  It is the same feeling/movements/thoughts but it doesn’t feel as real.

Relieving Physical Tension

Also, when using aggressive release toys, children get to move their bodies in a way that helps relieve the physical tension that anger brings.  Pounding clay, stomping egg cartons, or swinging foam swords helps move the body in ways that release tension and the accompanying noise that the movement makes also helps reduce tension.

Learning Boundaries

Finally, aggressive play helps teach children boundaries.  In rough/aggressive play, children learn how hard to swing without actually hurting the therapist, or how fast to move without falling down.  They learn how to “take a break” if someone needs to rest and how to start back up again.  I have witnessed siblings learn how to set rules for “fair fights” using foam swords and how to negotiate cheating.

Sword Fighting Aggressive Play

My Kids Sword Fighting

Do Aggressive Toys Create Aggressive Children?

It depends on what research you read.  A few studies have shown that aggression may increase temporarily after playing with aggressive toys.  This DOES seem to be more true when you are talking about playing violent video games (different story there). But, long-term, there is no reliable evidence that toy guns create more aggressive kids.

In fact, the opposite holds more true.  If a child has an appropriate place to express and display anger, then they are less likely to use anger with their peers (or parents).  Telling children, “Don’t get mad” is not nearly as helpful as teaching them what to do when they are mad to diffuse it.  The use of aggressive release toys helps teach children what to do with their angry in a way that will not get them in trouble.

Children Will Find Creative Ways To Express Aggression

In fact, many therapists find that children will turn neutral toys like blocks or their fingers into guns, knives, or bombs in order to communicate their needs with whatever is available.  The expression often goes:

If a child needs a gun to represent something going on in their life, they will find something and turn it into a gun (either in shape or with the noises that they make) to communicate that need.”

What To Do If You Are Uncomfortable With Toy Guns?

  1. Set limits.  It might be that toy guns are only for target practice. “Guns are not for shooting at people.”  When I have any toy guns in my office, I NEVER shoot at children.  I have let them shoot at me, but I would not shoot back at them.  If they tell me to shoot them, I would act out thinking about it but being so worried that they would die or I would go to jail or some other bad  outcome.  A great play therapist, Lisa Dion, writes more about how to play aggressively with children in her book, Integrating Extremes: Aggression and Death in the Playroom. 
  2. Set different limits for different games.  You might say that you can not shoot at me in general, but then we make a specific limit for Nerf or laser style games where we have defined a goal or specific rules. These games typically have teams, time limits, and rules of engagement.  You discuss them in advance and determine that the shooting ends when the game ends.
  3. Make sure your guns look very fake.  Avoid anything that is at all realistic.  Guns that are bright colors, light up, or make silly noises all classify as fake guns.  Guns that shoot foam balls.
  4. Use the alternative aggressive toys.  If you are still not comfortable with toy guns, use the alternatives.  Foam swords are generally more fun than toy guns anyway.

A Side Note About Gun Safety:

Regardless of your use of toy guns, there is never a bad time to talk with children about what to do if they find a gun while playing.  Just recently, there was an incident here in Memphis where a child picked up a gun and shot his brother accidentally.

There are many factors in that case that have nothing to do with aggressive play or aggressive toys. And yet, the underlying fear is that if we let our children play with aggressive toys, things like this will happen.  So…

  1. Talk about actual gun safety.  Talk with your children about what to do if they ever encountered a gun outside of the playroom and what to do and not do about it.  You can discuss that they should never pick up a gun outside of the playroom and that they should notify an adult right away.
  2. Require gun safety from adults.  It’s okay to ask the parents of your child’s friends if they own any weapons and how/where they have them stored.  Same goes for grandparents or other relatives. Don’t just assume that they are responsible gun owners, make them prove it.  Everyone that I know that has any weapons in their home can easily tell me how they are keeping them safe.

Final Thoughts:

Recently, I polled a group of play therapists and they overwhelmingly reported that they not only had toy guns in their offices, but that they found them to be an essential component of a play therapy space. However, those that did not have toy guns felt that the same benefits were achieved through the use of other aggressive release toys (like ropes, knives and swords) without the complications.

PS.

Moreover, representing reality in the playroom is important.  The truth is that many children have parents that work with weapons (law enforcement and military) and others have been exposed to very traumatic events involving drug raids, shootings, or other community violence.

To deny access to those items or experiences seems to somehow convey that those feelings, thoughts or experiences are shameful, wrong, or not important.  The playroom is a place to overcome those feelings and any toys that facilitate that process are okay in my office.

Do you allow your children to play with toy guns?

***

Thanks to Jennifer Taylor for this great post!

To check out Jennifer’s website, click here!

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Categories : Anger, Behavior, Bullying, Communication, Conflict, Intervention Ideas, Play Therapy, Reader Submissions
Tags : aggression, anger, bop bags, development, feelings, Play Therapy, play therapy intervention, therapy toys
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